I was just sitting here thinking about how in just a few days everything is going to be different.  From all the sounds of the house to… well… everything about life.  It is all about to change.

I am 36 weeks along today.  I have been having a much easier time this pregnancy than the last.  But the constant threat of pre-eclampsia has always been there.

Apparently that time has come again.  I haven’t gotten the super high blood pressure but I am dumping high amounts of protein in my urine.  Which means that they are very concerned my blood pressure could spike at any moment. When I was induced with Monk, my blood pressure was 198/102.  The fear of that occurring again is never far from my mind.

Right now the plan is to check my urine again and then proceed with an amnio next week. If the amnio shows that his lungs are mature, then we will proceed with induction next week.

I am petrified of a GIANT needle going into my stomach!

I am trying to focus on the fact that Monk was born just two days from now.  He came at 36 weeks and 2 days.  And he was healthy and strong.  Rocky will be healthy and strong too.  I just know it.  But I can’t help but keep going back to this needle.

Every fiber of my being says that it is a bad idea.  That I don’t need it.  That it is unnecessary.  I think I should talk to the doctor about it but I honestly don’t know if she will just think I am crazy or what.

The wealth of emotions flowing through me right now are immense.  I am having a hard time even thinking about getting out of my pajamas today.  Let alone all of the other things I should be focusing on before baby comes next week.  {gulp}

Am I ready for this???

I better strap on my boots, because I damn sure have to be.

{deep breath}

Seriously… maybe I am hormonal or something… *ahem*

I dunno.  But DUDE.  I have to get this out!

People I want to throat punch this week:

• Parents that don’t actually parent their kids and let them run all over like frickin’ neanderthals!
• People who pull out right in front of you on a 50 mph road so that you have to slam on your breaks to avoid hitting them and then proceed to go 35 mph!  LEARN TO DRIVE!
• Everyone who points at my stomach and casually says (like we have been friends forever, even though I am just now seeing you for the first time EVER in the grocery store), “Oh my!  You look miserable!  I bet you are going to go any day now!”   No shit jackass!  You think I don’t have a frickin mirror?!?

• The people who look at me and go “Awww… are you pregnant?”  Dude!  GET GLASSES!!!  Frickin idiots.
• The inventor of the charlie horse.  AKA, the thing that has woken me up almost every night for the last week in paralyzing pain.
• Also the inventor of dust.  Jerkface.
• People who take advantage of your good nature and use and abuse your niceness.  Assholes.
• People who walk right in front of you and pretend you are completely invisible.  HELLLOOOOO?!?  Don’t you see the big ass pregnant lady tryin to walk here?!  An EXCUSE ME isn’t that much to ask of you, TURD!
• All skinny people.
• All people who can see their feet.
• All people who can sleep.
• All people who can drink beer.  And coffee.  And eat lots of fish.  And and and…
• Whoever stole my money tree.  I seriously need that bitch back.

Ahhh… I feel a little better.  Maybe shopping will help.  {grin}

Who do you want to throat punch this week?

That picture is totally not me.  Duh.  But while googling for a photo for the blog (one NOT me) I found this and OMG this photographer is awesomeness!!  So go poke around her site, www.erinwallis.com,  and if you live on Vancouver Island then give her a ring.  She does some pretty amazing work.  I am so in love!

Ok moving on…

I am SOOO happy that I am pregnant!  If you have been following me for more than a day, you know that I’ve been on a fertility roller coaster for 9 years and that baby making has pretty much become my life.  So pregnancy was the goal.

I am ecstatic!

Another little boy coming into the family is going to be bliss!

Seriously!

But…

Being pregnant is like… HARD work dude!

Like  H A R D !

And while this pregnancy is going a lot smoother than my pregnancy with Monk did, I am still finding the little things (and some of the big things) a bit of a bitch.

Like…

• I am not one of those women that glows and everyone looks at at says “Awe, how beautiful she is.  Look at her pregnancy glow!” I am one of those women that people look at and go “oh my gawd, you poor thing!  I bet you can’t wait to be done with this pregnancy, huh?”  {sigh}
• I have acne.  Wasn’t this something we should have been done with when we became women?  Like where is my beautiful, glowing pregnancy skin that women get??
• My nails don’t grow long and beautiful during pregnancy like other women’s.  They break constantly and look like I spend my days picking at concrete with them.  {shudder}
• Where is my long, strong, thick, healthy, shiny pregnancy hair?  My hair looks like I haven’t washed it even though I just got out of the shower and breaks off if I touch it.  I am shedding more than my Jack Russell is right now and believe me when I say… that is a frickin’ accomplishment!
• I miss having energy.  Like the kind where you can accomplish all of the 109387529348572349 things in your day and not want to lay your head on the breakfast table and take a nap while Monk screams at you “MOOMMMM??!?!  WHAT are you DOING?!?!”  And giving you that look he gives you when he thinks you have completely lost your mind.
• I miss sleeping on my stomach.  Like I miss it so much that I dream about sleeping on my stomach.  Who dreams about sleeping?  {eyeroll}
• I have not been able to find a single pair of underwear that fit me right while I am pregnant.  You can laugh at this but seriously, every single pair I put on is either too big, or has a weird saggy crotch thing going on, or is too tight it rolls down my belly and then feels like a giant rubber band around my waist.  I can’t win.  I have NO idea what to do about it.  It is by far the most annoying thing ever.
• Flatulence.  Need I say more?  DUDE!  I cannot understand where it all comes from.  Something happens to the body when you are pregnant and I swear EVERYTHING you put in turns into gas bubbles.  It is insane.  And not great for making friends.  LOL
• Seriously squished pregnancy bladder syndrome.  That is totally a real medical term, look it up.  As if wetting the bed wasn’t bad enough, I also get to deal with the fact that I can’t sneeze, cough or move wrong without peeing my pants.  And it’s even more fun when sometimes I am just sitting, not doing anything and the baby moves (read: JUMPS) on my bladder and I pee.  It’s so fun.  Having my bladder function at the mercy of another human is awesome.  Lemme tell ya.
• Not to mention the fact that I have to get up every 8 seconds to pee because said baby is pushing on my bladder and I am SURE I will not make it to the bathroom in time, every.single.time. and I sit and about 4 drops come out and that’s it!  MADNESS!
• Charlie Horses?  In the middle of the night?  Trying to kill me?!?  SERIOUSLY!?!?
• The waddle.  Who invented the waddle?  I am guessing it is the result of that feeling you get of having a bowling ball shoved into your vagina.  Because I pretty much feel like I have one stuck IN MY VAGINA all the time.  And it hurts and I can’t walk right and I can’t sit right and I can’t lay right and {sob}
• GINORMO boobs.  Now I know that most women love this part of pregnancy.  But I am just going to let you know one thing.  If you already have huge boobs (even huge AFTER a breast reduction) then guess what?  They are going to be MASSIVE during pregnancy.  And not like “ohh sexy biggens!” I am talking “HOLY MADNESS! GET ME A WHEELBARROW!”  They suck.  And are totally in my way ALLLLLLLLL the time.
• Exhaustion.  I sorta covered this above with lack of energy but I am throwing it in again because number 1… pregnancy fog (we will cover that in a second) and number 2… it needs to be repeated!  I am SOOOOOO TIRED!!!!!!!!  {yawn}
• Brain fog.  I love how people think it’s cute when you can’t remember little things like what their favorite color is or an appointment that you forgot to write down and say “oh its cute, don’t worry, it’s just pregnancy fog!” and laugh.  But dude!  When you can’t remember if you brushed your teeth, or if worse, you brushed your kids teeth, of if you fed the dogs or what day it is, or if you are supposed to turn left or right at this light to go to the grocery store or or or or… seriously?  NOT GOOD.
• I am one big belleh…. check it….

Pregnancy rocks my socks off. 

Time for very quick letters!  Because I have hit the ground running today with 129035788934 other things that I have to accomplish before lunch!

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Dear iPad,

Thank you for saving me.  Monk has been climbing into bed with me around 6 or so in the morning and immediately starts to play quietly with you.  I have been able to snooze as late as 9 am these days!  Well as snoozed as you can get being a Mama listening to her kiddo play video games in her ear and listening to make sure he doesn’t need anything.

Regardless of the kind of sleep it is… I LOVE IT!

Thanks!

Cass

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Dear Monk,

I am so sorry you are feeling off.  Hopefully the doctor can get us some answers today.  I feel like you have been sick pretty much since we moved here.  For that I feel terrible

I love you baby boy!

Oh wait… the other day you told me, “Mommy, I am not little.  I am BIG!”   So I love you BIG boy!!

XOXOX,

Mommy

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Dear weird high fever with no symptoms that has just taken up residence in my kid,

BUZZ OFF DAMMIT!

Thanks,

The Mom

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Dear Drab Weather,

Go away and bring the sun back.  You are lame.  Sun is awesome.

Nnnkay?

Cass

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Dear Laundry,

BWAAHAAHAAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!!

You + Me = Someday (But don’t hold your breath)

Signed,

The lady that has been neglecting you

——————————————–

Dear Annoying animal that lives in my backyard and makes my dogs whine and bark all night,

Please move away.  Otherwise, I am going to raise the rent and cut off your water if you don’t leave.

I REALLY need my beauty sleep,

Cass

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Dear Hands,

I know you hate the way you look.  I am really working towards a manicure solution.  Please stop cracking and being horrible.  I know it’s rough times right now.  Try to hang in there, ok?

Desperate for a manicure,

Cass

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Dear Pinterest,

Why are you down?  Again.

{sigh}

Trying not to be addicted (but totally going thru withdrawal in the 30 min since you have been down),

Cass

——————————————–

Dear Readers,

To participate in Dear So and So just click here to go to Kat’s Blog

and get the button for your page.

To participate in Letters of Intent,

click here to visit Julie, over at Foursons and grab one of those buttons too!

Hope you have a good weekend and next week!

This is Random Tuesday Thoughts and I am co-hosting with Julie, Ane, Stacy and Raven, while Keely is still on sabbatical from Random. Make sure you random blog at your place and link up at Stacy’s blog.

• I have given the blog a bit of a makeover.  Thoughts?  Anything I should change?
• Make sure you grab the new button for your page.  Over on the right
• I have had over 10,000 comments posted on my blog.  Doesn’t that just sound insane?  I think so.
• My addiction to Pinterest is getting a bit better.  Although I am still planning all of my meals from meals I find on there.
• I get to see Rocky on the sonogram tomorrow.  Yippie!  I hate that I am a high risk pregnancy, but the silver lining HAS to be being able to see my little guy every two weeks on the ultrasound monitor.  Seriously awesome.
• This…  is totally what I expect to see on the monitor every two weeks because this is what I picture is going on in my womb right now.  Not even kidding.

• Sasha Baron Cohen pouring “ashes” on Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet at the Oscars Sunday night was seriously not cool.  Ryan took it like a champ, but seriously?  Not cool.
• Now I realize I have seen like NO movies the last year (few years) and have decided that I want to start seeing some.  Time to dust off the DVD player.  Which we haven’t even unpacked in the 4 months we have been here.  See how often we get to watch new movies?!?
• You know how you have some friends (or family) on Facebook that you haven’t talked to in like years?  But then all of the sudden they say something that shows that they have been watching your life from the shadows?  But they never said anything?  And now it sounds like they know SOOO much about you and it sorta creeps you out because you realize you know nothing about them and good lord did they read every single word you ever wrote on your facebook page, blog, twitter??  No?  Just me?
• I need to start couponing again.  I just need to find the time.  Anyone know where I can find some of that?  That time stuff??
• I hope today is sunny.  I am so sick of all the rain.  My grass should be 8 feet tall and as green as can be with all this by now!

Make sure you post your own madness…. err randomness and link up at Stacy’s blog.

Have a fabulous Tuesday!

While I am 28 weeks along with this baby, and have Monkey around to make me smile every day, I still think about each of the 6 babies I have lost every day.

Every. Single.  Day.

Some days are harder than others.

What would they have looked liked?

What would be their favorite color?

How would they feel in my arms when we cuddled?

Would they want to be a fireman or a race car driver?

Would they have preferred to be rocked or swayed?

Would they prefer cars or dolls or zoo animals?

Would they like to snuggle against my neck like Monk does?

I know for sure one thing about each and every one of them… they would have been perfect.

No matter what, you never forget.  A soul touches you in an instant.  The instant you know you are pregnant, you are changed forever.  Not just for the Mom, but I think for the Dad too.  No matter how long that person, that soul, that life is part of your life… you know it and you feel it forever.

Sometimes I feel like the cosmos are watching me because shortly after hearing about her loss, I ran across this blog, babble.  The author has a fantastic list of what not to say after someone suffers a miscarriage.  I have had someone say every single one of these things to me.

It is shocking to me that some people think the way that they do.  I understand that if you haven’t been through something, you may not know the gravity of it.  But common sense should filter in.  Right?

If you have ever suffered to loss of your baby, at any stage, know that I want to hug you right now.  If you haven’t, then I pray that you never do.  Ever.

But regardless of whether you have felt it or not… please… I beg of you… have some compassion.  And if nothing else, remember the golden rule.  If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Please be patient while I am spruce up the ole blog.

Thanks!!

Time for some letters!

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Ultrasound from 22 weeks (01/19/12) while on an emergency trip to the hospital

Dear Wee Babe,

You are so cute all snuggly in your womb.  But please for the love of Pete, stop standing on my bladder and stop trying to kick and punch your way out of there.  You need at least another 9 or 10 weeks of growth little dude.  I should start calling you Beckham, because I picture you in there with a little soccer ball.  And you are the best man on your team!

I love you!

Mama

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Dear Republican Friends,

I am NOT a republican.  I have never led you to believe I was nor have I ever agreed with any of your narrow minded views.  Please stop throwing a temper tantrum whenever I post something political that you do not like.  I don’t go on your page and throw a hissy fit, I just ignore your close minded bullshit and move on.  If you don’t agree with me, do the same.  Otherwise we are going to have a debate and I promise you it will end badly.  It gets annoying having to read your shit just as annoying as you find it to read my brilliance.

So deal with it or feel free to not read my facebook or twitter.  I will live another day.  Trust me.

Not changing my views OR the way I express them,

Cass

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Dear Coffee,

I am missing you so desperately right now.  I am so exhausted I am seriously having trouble getting through my day!  If you could just do your awesome tricks without hurting the tiny tater tot growing in my womb, then I would be drinking you by the gallon!

I cannot wait until we can be reunited.

Miss me as much as I miss you?

Cass

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Dear Jasmine,

What the hell is up your butt lately?

One minute you are like Miss Cuddly Lover then the next minute you are growling at me and acting like you want to bite my arm off.  Do you need some bi-polar meds?  Chick, you may be old, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to be a bitch.

Ok… realizing that you are in fact a bitch and that you are bitchy means you are a bitchy bitch.  So please stop being bitchy.  Does that clarify things?  Ya bitch?

Mama still loves you but is going to sell your chubby ass to a Chinese restaurant is you don’t stop.

Kapeesh?

Mom

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Dear Pregnant Belly,

I just love your cute roundness lately.  I love to rub you and see you move when my little ninja kicks the crap out of you.  I love this time in pregnancy.  When you are a bubble of cute.

But I thought we agreed that we were all “been there done that” with stretch marks this time.  Didn’t we just discuss this and how unnecessary it was to have them?  And how that is all played out?

So why on earth did you let that little blue monster show up on my left side?

Please don’t invite anymore of your “friends” to the party, nnkay?

Begging you,

The bod

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Cuddles after a “bad dream”

Dear Monkey,

I adore you!  I simply do!  I cannot be more happy with the little man you are turning into.  You are so amazing and I am proud of you every single day.

I love how cuddly you have become lately.  And even how you have created this little thing you do when you need a cuddle.  No matter what we are doing or where we are, you stop and say “Umm… Mom, I had a bad dream.  I need a cuddle.”

I know that I have told you at least a dozen times that you need to be sleeping to actually have a bad dream.  And I know that just like your father, when I say something he doesn’t want to hear, you give me that same blank stare and don’t actually hear what I say.  So I will continue with this charade because it is too cute.  And affords me lots of new cuddles and lovies.

Bring on the cuddles little man.  Mommy can always use more.

Love you so much!

Mommy

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Dear Time,

You suck!  I can’t stand your needy little tick tock and how you just can’t stand still!  What is with the constant moving!

Stop trying to take over my life!

{sigh}

Seriously going to be late for everything for the rest of my life,

Me

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Dear Wordpress,

I have written this blog 4 times and you have deleted it each and every single fricking time.  My head is about to explode.

WTF!?!

Cass

——————————————–

Dear Readers,

To participate in Dear So and So just click here to go to Kat’s Blog

and get the button for your page.

To participate in Letters of Intent,

click here to visit Julie, over at Foursons and grab one of those buttons too!

Hope you have a good weekend and next week!

Shhhh!

I seriously need to get back to shooting.  I miss it!

Happy Wednesday!!

<center><a href=”http://www.bigmamacass.com” _mce_href=”http://www.bigmamacass.com” target=”_blank”><img border=”0″ alt=”Random Tuesday” src=”http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb9/superkeely/randomtuesday.jpg” _mce_src=”http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb9/superkeely/randomtuesday.jpg” /></a></center>

This is Random Tuesday Thoughts and I am co-hosting with Julie, Ane, Stacy and Raven, while Keely is still on sabbatical from Random. Make sure you random blog at your place and link up below.

• I still have yet to catch up on my ginormous list of things to do.  Anyone want to run my house for me for a week or two so I can catch up??
• I have been kicking myself lately about my poor camera.  It has been sitting in the case without being used for so long.  Even after I got the replacement part and fixed her all up, I still have yet to click the shutter a single time.  This is my late new years resolution… Get to clickin!
• Monk and I have been really enjoying the new Moms Group that we have joined here in town.  I am so pleased with it so far.  There are so many in the group that we meet someone new every time.  And we have activities almost every single day!  It has been fantastic for both of us so far.  I just can’t say enough nice things about all the women I am meeting!
• I am starting to realize this baby is coming soon rather than later.  And holy hell I am starting to freak out about it.  All of the sudden the memories of colic and sleepless nights MONTHS and spit up and screaming and don’t even get me started about the whole pushing another GINORMOUS baby out of my not ginormous vagina thing!!!!!!
• On another note… if my epidural refuses to work again, I am going to have Tank bring a baseball bat for my head.  I think that should about cover the pain.
• The blogging, while it has been pretty half assed lately, is going to get back up and running.  I hate not blogging as much as I hate not shooting.  And let’s face it, poor Tank really doesn’t want to listen to me yap on and on about meaningless crap that I yap on and on about on here.  How the hell do I have any readers??
• I found a new pediatrician in town.  He seems to be nice and knowledgeable.  Although he did randomly tell me “We need to shepherd our children and bathe them in the lords glory.” while we were discussing discipline.  This was only a few seconds after he asked me what church we attended and I informed him that we were in no way religious.  Guess he didn’t like my answer.
• I am thinking this baby is drying to kick, punch and head butt his way out of here already.  I am serious when I say, he is KICKING MY ASS from the inside out!  Monk was never this strong or this active.  Sometimes the pain from the kicking makes me feel like what’s her butt from the new twilight movie.  Seriously!
• I think the part about pregnancy that I truly hate is the inability to drink tasty alcoholic beverages.  Realizing this makes me sound like a total lush, I don’t care.  I miss drinking!!
• And what the hell’s a chick gotta do to get some damn girl scout cookies?!?  Why isn’t my doorbell ringing every 5 minutes?!?  Maybe I should hang a sign… “Pregnant chick inside craving cookies!”

Ok… I think this is been about boring enough.  I’m off.

Make sure you post your own madness…. err randomness and link up at Stacy’s blog.

Have a fabulous Tuesday!