A friend just recently announced she lost her pregnancy. I am heartbroken for her. She told me that she hid it from people at first because her mother told her, “Don’t worry about it. Shake it off and try again. It just wasn’t meant to be.” And she just couldn’t stand anyone else to say that to her.
While I am 28 weeks along with this baby, and have Monkey around to make me smile every day, I still think about each of the 6 babies I have lost every day.
Every. Single. Day.
Some days are harder than others.
What would they have looked liked?
What would be their favorite color?
How would they feel in my arms when we cuddled?
Would they want to be a fireman or a race car driver?
Would they have preferred to be rocked or swayed?
Would they prefer cars or dolls or zoo animals?
Would they like to snuggle against my neck like Monk does?
I know for sure one thing about each and every one of them… they would have been perfect.
No matter what, you never forget. A soul touches you in an instant. The instant you know you are pregnant, you are changed forever. Not just for the Mom, but I think for the Dad too. No matter how long that person, that soul, that life is part of your life… you know it and you feel it forever.
Sometimes I feel like the cosmos are watching me because shortly after hearing about her loss, I ran across this blog, babble. The author has a fantastic list of what not to say after someone suffers a miscarriage. I have had someone say every single one of these things to me.
It is shocking to me that some people think the way that they do. I understand that if you haven’t been through something, you may not know the gravity of it. But common sense should filter in. Right?
If you have ever suffered to loss of your baby, at any stage, know that I want to hug you right now. If you haven’t, then I pray that you never do. Ever.
But regardless of whether you have felt it or not… please… I beg of you… have some compassion. And if nothing else, remember the golden rule. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
i hate it when people say “it wasn’t meant to be.” hate.it!
i think about mine too.
every.single.day.
great post!
xoxo
Thank you Keely <3
Twitter ID: shaunellshair
February 27, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Your post was enlightening. I’ve been through it, and there’s so much emotion involved, and it’s such a hard experience. Thanks for sharing. Have a great one!
Thank you <3
Oh I’m so with you on that! I lost 2 myself, and decided not to tell anyone about the second loss, because I could not hear anymore “you’ll have your turn”, “just be patient”, “it happens more often than you think!” … I know I’m blessed having 2 healthy kids now, but never will I be able to forget the two babies I lost, and never will it become easier on me
I feel sorry for your friend, and I know that no words can make her feel better right now!
Thank you for reading Anne. Have the babies we have makes us feel whole and wonderful. But part of our hearts will always belong to those babies that were only with us briefly too. Thank you so much for commenting!
Twitter ID: JackieCross
February 27, 2012 at 5:23 pm
I think of the two I lost often as well…. I know how old they would be and wonder what they would be doing… would they be a boy or a girl… would they look like me or their dad… so many questions that will never be answered.
It truly is an event in your life that you can never forget. Never.
It wasn’t meant to be is the worst thing to say to a woman who has just lost her baby.
I agree Jackie. I can’t imagine saying that to someone. Ever. A baby is a baby. A loss is a loss. <3
My heart goes out to you. My daughter sent me this link and I am very grateful she did. I will be married 35years next week and my first daughter would be 35 in June. She was a full term baby that died before I had her. I was two weeks from that perfect delievery. Went to doctor’s appointment and there was no heartbeat anymore. The comments I heard for the next month were awful!! I had people tell me ‘ that’s okay now you can give my baby all your attention”- this was a relative. Then I was told not to ruin anybodies good time just because I lost the baby!!-this by a relative also. I could not believe how haertless some people were. Another said ‘well she must not be that upset because I haven’t seen her cry’. For two weeks I carried my dead baby inside of me. The doctor’s thought it would be easier if she came on her own. Still don’t understand that one. I cried everyday and sometimes I couldn’y stop My husband even had to take me back to the back to the hospital after I had the baby because I was in shock. I am getting long winded but just wanted you to kow I know were you are coming from. I understand and I feel if people can’t say something comforting don’t say anything at all. Say I am so sorry. That would be sufficent! My heart goes out to all of you.
Debby, your story made me cry. I can’t believe the heartless things people said to you. I know that time doesn’t make my wounds feel better. I imagine it is the same for you. I wish I could give you a big hug. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
My daughter has lost three babies – 2 stillborn and the last, our Libby, born at 25 weeks and died 20 days later. Even as the grandma, so many people can’t grasp the pain or understand the right thing to say. Wise words and I hope people hear and know that the best response is just to be supportive and know there is really nothing you can do to “make it better”.
Mary v´s last [type] ..Running on adrenaline
Oh Mary, that is heartbreaking. I can’t imagine the pain that your daughter and you as her mother watching her go through that pain and heartbreak, must be feeling. My heart goes out to you both. Thank you so much for commenting. Huge hugs to you, your daughter and your family!
Twitter ID: uponamiracle
February 28, 2012 at 3:02 am
Oh gosh… such a hard place to be when wanting to be there for a friend and not knowing the words. Sometimes a hug is just all you can do.
My sister is grieving Baby Gracie – who would have been 8 this Thursday. And I still don’t know what to say.
People said similar things to me as I went through primary infertility for 7 years. I had to really think about their motive and realize they simply couldn’t figure out how to help sometimes.
Thankful for your blessings – and for that love that God gives us for our little ones.
Rachel´s last [type] ..I saved my marriage for $11.99 plus tax
Rachel,
We have had several discussions sharing our infertility struggles, and I feel we both know how awful a ride that was/has been. I personally think that the ride to become a mother is almost as painful as the loss. It is a different pain, certainly, but it is a daily pain that you cannot make stop.
For your sister, just hug her and tell her you love her. That is all you can do for her grief and loss of Baby Gracie. Just love her. You don’t have to say anything.
XOXO
Hi,
I too lost a baby and until it happens to you, you cannot understand the grief and loss that you go through. People say some stupid things, but to this day I remember a couple of things that were said to me that were very nice. One friend said she and her husband were talking about it and thought that there must have been something so wrong with the baby that God had to take it because the two of you (meaning my husband and I) could handle anything. It made me cry because it showed how much she thought of us.
Another friend who miscarried a couple of times said that she liked to think of her babies in a Heaven Daycare where they are being taken care of by grandparents and other relatives until mommy and daddy get there. I thought that was a really good way of thinking.
Anyway, a loss is a loss. It doesn’t matter if it is 8 weeks or 8 months. A baby that is much wanted and has been taken away is missed forever.
Well said Shevon!!