In Pursuit of Martha Points {Guest Post}

by BigMamaCass on June 11, 2010

in Guest Post Hotness

**Dear readers, Since I have been summoned away due to a death in the family, you shall be honored with guest posts until I return Friday, June 11th.  BE HONORED!  And show these posters some love.  For me.  <3 you, Cass

Your guest poster for today shall be…

Poor HotMamaCass (which is how I think of her) got hit with unexpected travels. So she summoned her minions and bid them to create! (By which I mean, sent a call for help out to her peeps, but I like the minion way better.)

So, because I like the whole white-knight-helping-out-friends-vibe, I rode to the rescue! (Wow, I am making myself out to be hot stuff here! Go me!)

So today kids, we’re going to listen to a story with a moral.

Some people seem to be able to bend rules of morality to their whim. Get undercharged for the blouse at Macy’s? Score! Blatant lies to mom about why you’re not coming to the next family drama-fest holiday dinner? No prob. Their karma and their consciences go unscathed.

That would not be yours truly. I tread a very narrow path that is only as wide as white lies about the relative attractiveness of your new haircut or no more than ten minutes late on a parking meter. If I stray past these boundaries the universe takes a metaphoric ruler to my cosmic knuckles and makes me suffer. Under the radar I am not. I don’t know what caused my blip to be so large, but, along with my rump, it seems to be so.

So let me tell you a good reason not to lie: you will end up in a broom closet.

I lived and worked in England for two years. I met all kinds of amazing people from all manner of incredible places. But I did not – while I was there – stumble across too many fellow Americans (that I had not married or given birth to). So imagine my surprise one day at the hospital to hear a new resident doctor speak in an accent just like mine.

“Are you from North America*?” I asked.

“Yes, I’m from the States.” She answered.

“Me too!” I happily replied. “Where are you from?”

“Montana,” she answered.

“Oh, beautiful there,” I said.

“Have you been?” She asked.

And here is where our heroine falls from grace. Gets herself in a pickle, a bind, a jam, a tight spot, if you will. I have never been to Montana. I have never set foot anywhere near Montana. I don’t even think that in a plane I have flown over Montana. But, thinking somehow that my compliment will be less sincere if I have not set my two hazel eyes upon the fair state, I say:

“Sure have.”

If only it had ended there. If only I had hijacked the conversation by blurting out, “I’m from California!” or, “I wear a D cup!” or, “I believe in leprechauns!” I might have been saved. But I was already shell-shocked by what I had done and so I stood there, deer in the headlights, easy victim for the next foray.

“Where abouts?” She asked.

“Huh?” (Or some equally articulate sound that stupid lying people make when trying to buy time.)

“Where in Montana did you go?”

“Uhh…not sure exactly. We were driving to…” My mind is now groping furiously for some place it would not be totally irrational to be going to/from if one were driving and somehow ended up in Montana. Geography is NOT my strong suit.”…Wyoming.” And I’m hoping at this point that I have not said the equivalent of, “We drove to Topeka by way of Guam.”

“Oh, were you on {insert highway number that made no sense to me and could have been the square root of Pi for all I was able process anything in that moment beyond relief that I had not said something institutionally insane}?”

“Couldn’t tell you, I was mostly in the back seat.”

So now, not only have I lied about having been to Montana, but I have invented a fictional road trip to explain it. And I know that if I end up stuck in this conversation much longer that I will undoubtedly fabricate a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a fictitious affair and an ugly scene outside of Vegas wherein I set fire to all of my (imaginary) boyfriend’s (make-believe) clothing.

I beat a hasty retreat.

The resident was at our hospital for three months. And I was so terrified of having to pick up the thread of my lie that whenever I saw her coming down the hall I would duck into the loo. Except one time when, rendered illiterate in a fit of panic, I bolted into a broom closet.

Only I was in England, so it was really a broom cupboard.

* I managed to greatly offend a Canadian by asking if they were American upon hearing their accent. I did not mean to offend them, but really, we share an accent, there are 30 million Canadians and 300 million Americans, the odds are 10-to-1 that the accent in question is coming from an American mouth. Occam’s razor – you hear galloping, it might be a zebra, but it’s more likely a horse. But, I had no wish to offend any kindly Canadian people I might meet, so I changed how I asked the question.

Please make sure to go check out Lori at her regular abode!

See you soon!

sign 102609

{ 1 trackback }

Again with the Awesomesauce!! WOOT!!! | Casa di Cass
July 27, 2010 at 1:29 pm

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Sandrine
Twitter ID: sandrineankara
June 11, 2010 at 1:37 am

Ha ha! What possessed you? Ok, repeat after me: ” No, I haven’t been, but I’m sure it’s lovely. Where would you recommend for a visit?”. Or if you’re like me just say: “Nah”.
.-= Sandrine´s last blog ..Our trees through the seasons =-.

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Kristin Glasbergen
Twitter ID: kristinglas
June 11, 2010 at 5:04 am

May I confess to being angry when folks though my Canadian accent was American? But only when my Canadian flag was obviously displayed ony back. The world needs to know that red maple leaf=Canada.
I’m done now. Thank you.
.-= Kristin Glasbergen´s last blog ..Back In The Saddle =-.

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Queens Mama June 11, 2010 at 7:27 am

Big Mama, I found you through your guest post at Sippy Cup Mom. You are freaking hilarious! I’m a follower now. :)

And, I’m so sorry to hear about the death in your family. Thoughts and prayers to you and yours.
.-= Queens Mama´s last blog ..Friday Follow Time =-.

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BigMamaCass June 22, 2010 at 12:36 am

Thank you so much!

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Miss Tricky
Twitter ID: Miss_Tricky
June 11, 2010 at 11:00 am

Love!
.-= Miss Tricky´s last blog ..Outnumbered MY ASS! =-.

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Nolie
Twitter ID: NoliesPlace
June 11, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Love the story. So umm you ever been to Canada?
.-= Nolie´s last blog ..TGIF =-.

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passionofthemom June 11, 2010 at 8:37 pm

Just back from your blog, perusing the Martha Points….you are one awesome lady!! =D Thanks for the massively entertaining post in Cass’s absence, and I dearly hope to see more of you in the future!! =)

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Vegetable Assassin June 12, 2010 at 8:02 pm

I missed you!

You know, 9 times out of 10 I can tell a Canadian from an American, I am that good. Unless they’re from the Vancouver area then hell, they sound the same to me. :)

Welcome back missy.
.-= Vegetable Assassin´s last blog ..That’s Why They Call Me Mr. Fahrenheit… =-.

Reply

BigMamaCass June 22, 2010 at 12:37 am

Heeeeelarious post! I had to come back to read it again today and I am dying with laughter!! :)

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