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This is Random Tuesday Thoughts and I am co-hosting with Julie, Ane, Stacy and Raven, while Keely is still on sabbatical from Random. Make sure you random blog at your place and link up below.

• Life has been a bit of a whirlwind the last several weeks and even months.  You would think the sudden move to Georgia and the new pregnancy would be enough craziness, but shockingly, there has been much more to make our lives crazy.
• Other than being really sick the first trimester, everything was going along smoothly.  All the tests were coming back great and we were over the moon with this surprise of pregnancy!
• Then the task to find a new doctor.  With the suggestion of two local residents, I booked my first appointment with Dr. B on what I believed to be day one of my 15th week.  Long story short… this was NOT the doctor I wanted.  She has terrible bedside manner, and she made several mistakes regarding me and my care in just the first visit.  Including insisting I was 16 weeks along, not 15.  But not changing my due date.  {confused much?}
• She then pushed on me to have another host of testing done to test for Neural Tube Defects, Down Syndrome, and Trisomy 18 saying that I had to have it done in week 16.  I insisted that I had just had all of the tests done the first trimester but she maintained that there was no way I could have.
• Then I went to see the high risk specialist, Dr W. for the first time.  We walked into her office (after a 3.5 hour wait and an ultrasound confirming it was a boy) and the first thing she said was “ok, so you were referred to me because you screened positive for Down Syndrome, correct?”
• Jaw. Drop.
• “No, we are here because I am a high risk pregnancy, not anything about down syndrome.  You must be mistaken.”
• But, she maintained that it was correct, I sobbed so hard I missed every other word that she said.  Pieces that I caught were “If you would like to terminate…” and “85% chance he will have Down Syndrome” and “Amnio is too dangerous and presents a 30% chance of complication and/or death”
• I am still left with utter confusion and frustration.  How could this doctor have just seen my moving baby boy with his strong heart beating just moments ago even think, let alone say anything about termination??
• So far I have only been able to gather some facts.  I immediately called my doctor in Colorado to find out why my first trimester screening came back fine and why was I being told this information, especially in such a callous way.  Dr. M of Colorado said that I had come back 1 in 5644 chance of Down Syndrome and that something wasn’t right.
• I am working hard to try and get answers.  But so far I am just focused on, “no matter what, this baby boy will be perfect.”
• I have an appointment Thursday with my new OB, Dr P. (confused yet?) as I enter the half way marker of my pregnancy at 20 weeks.  I am scared but hopeful.
• I know in my heart that everything is going to be ok.  And I am very calm about it.  The part that is still making me crazy is that these doctors are ALL OVER THE PLACE!  And I need solid answers.
• If you know me well then you know I battle bipolar disorder, among a host of other crap that has been attempting to take over my life since birth.  I have good days and bad days.  Lately I have had a few really bad days.  It’s not easy.  But I am not very vocal about it.  It’s easier to hide and pretend than speak about it out loud.  Depression is a lonely place.  One where it is easy to allow your mind to take over and tell you things that aren’t true.  I am not very good at speaking about it, although I hope to one day be better.  This post by The Bloggess felt like it came from my heart.  I sobbed reading it and even printed a copy to keep with me.  I draw inspiration from it.  Whether you suffer from bipolar or depression or don’t, I think everyone should read it.

• Thursday last week, Dr W’s nurse called to tell me that my blood work had come back.  And that I tested positive for the MTHFR gene mutation. (google it) And now my life has taken another sharp turn.  While it provides a lot of answers, it also adds a host of new questions.  I am at a high risk for blood clots, heart attack and stroke.  For the rest of my life.  But this may explain why I have lost so many babies.
• Like I said… whirlwind.
• Christmas was spent in Pittsburgh with Tanks family.  It was really nice and I am glad we were able to do it this year.
• We were hoping that Buggy was going to be going with us this year but she ultimately decided not to.  It was a huge disappointment for me.  I have never spent a Christmas with her.  It makes me sad to know that we probably never will. 
• Tank and Monk have been sick for a while.  And now I have finally caught the cold too.  I just hope it doesn’t hang on for as long as it seems to be holding them.  I can’t go 3 weeks with this cold.  Ugh!
• I haven’t even taken a pregnancy picture in a while.  So much going on, I just sort of lost track of time.  I think I will do that this week.  Time to update my photo album.  I will be half way at 20 weeks along on Thursday!  Wow time is flying by!

This is all I have the strength for today.  We are having lunch with a new friend and her son in town today.  I should go make myself presentable.

Make sure you post your own madness…. err randomness and link up below.

Have a fabulous Tuesday!

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